at first I wanted to write a tweet about this. something short and simple. but then I realised I had way too much to say about this subject for just a few characters. so here goes nothing.
I was thinking about these crushes I supposedly had when I was a teen, and the more I thought about it, the more I realised most of them were complete bullshit. 100% fake. knowing what I know about myself today, it’s quite painful to look back on 12yo me thinking she needed to have a new crush on a boy every single second, because that’s what everybody else seemed to do. I know myself, and so I know it actually takes me years to develop a crush on someone, which means I can count on one hand the actual number of crushes I’ve had in my life. so this bullshit of me having a new crush every single time I met a new cute boy? yeah, no, I don’t think so.
the thing is, it’s only when looking back on these years, with my current knowledge of myself, that I realise how fake these crushes were. 12yo me truly believed in them. 12yo me thought she had to be loud about these ‘feelings’ and make sure everybody knew about them…I’m a fucking introvert, so yeah it was painful. what’s ‘funny’ is that 12yo me also thought playing spin the bottle at all-girls parties was the absolute best thing in the world, and yet I was trying so hard to make sure everybody knew I had crushes on boys, boys, boys, boys only, because heteronormativity said it was just ‘gals being pals’.
I went with what people thought. if my classmates thought a guy had feelings for me? boom, I’d developed a new crush. I wanted to please so damn much. I also really wanted to be loved. the fact is I was miserable between 11 and 15. my social anxiety was terribly bad, I’d spent 4 years with the same people who thought I was faking being sick when in fact my social anxiety was making me physically sick. I was unhappy. so, so unhappy. I was craving love and recognition. I wanted everybody in my class to love me, and if that meant going with what was best for me? so be it. I faked it so hard I made it real in my head.
I don’t understand how some people think being queer is easy. most of us have to deal with years of heteronormativity that’s been shoved down our throats. we have to unlearn everything we’ve been taught. I was 19 when I realised I’m bi, but it’s only now that I’m starting to think about teenage me and the way I was so loud and simply weird about my crushes on boys. out of all of them, only one was real, and that’s the only one I never talked about, because it was precious to me. and the more I think about all the things I did as a kid/teenager, there are things I’m like ‘oh. that was definitely not heterosexual behaviour’.
anyway, that’s something I really wanted to talk about, even though I don’t think I’ve been particularly helpful or even if I had a point, but I wanted to share my feelings with you about thid.
that’s it for today, I’ll see you soon, have a nice day 🌿